{"id":8963,"date":"2016-12-29T10:19:19","date_gmt":"2016-12-29T18:19:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pocketwisdominsights.com\/pwicolab\/?p=8963"},"modified":"2019-02-18T20:57:20","modified_gmt":"2019-02-19T04:57:20","slug":"when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pocketwisdominsights.com\/pwicolab\/healthcare\/recovery-co-lab\/recovery-co-lab-blogs\/pwi-co-lab-staff\/when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you\/","title":{"rendered":"What It Means When a Narcissist Says \u201cI Love You\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

Opening Insights<\/h2>\n

Dear Codependent Partner,<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m about to say is not something I\u2019d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game<\/em> that is my main source of pleasure in life \u2014 one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s the whole point.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Informational Insights<\/h2>\n

When I say \u201cI love you\u201d I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I\u2019ll never be expected to do the same.<\/p>\n

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.<\/p>\n

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.<\/p>\n

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this \u201cpower\u201d to train you to feel \u201ccrazy\u201d for even asking or bringing up issues that don\u2019t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I\u2019m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.<\/p>\n

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain<\/em> (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you\u2019ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)<\/p>\n

(It\u2019s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It\u2019s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I\u2019m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you\u201d means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I\u2019m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.<\/p>\n

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to \u201cprove\u201d your loyalty.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you\u201d means I love the way I feel when I\u2019m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my \u201cneediness\u201d of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.<\/p>\n

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this \u201cneediness\u201d; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to \u201cfeed\u201d my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.<\/p>\n

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question \u201chow\u201d I treat you, as if you still don\u2019t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children \u2014 is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You\u2019re my possession, remember? It\u2019s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those \u201ccrazy\u201d things that only \u201cweak\u201d people need, such as \u201ccloseness\u201d and \u201cemotional stuff;\u201d and by the way, I know this \u201cworks\u201d because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)<\/p>\n

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act \u201ccrazy\u201d over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you\u2019ll later hate yourself for (because of your \u201cniceness\u201d!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I\u2019ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don\u2019t \u201cget\u201d it.<\/p>\n

(There\u2019s nothing to get! To break the code, you\u2019d have to look through my lens, not yours! It\u2019s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your \u201clesson,\u201d that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)<\/p>\n

(That you can\u2019t figure this out, after all the ways I\u2019ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)<\/p>\n

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. \u2026 the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don\u2019t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it\u2019s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).<\/p>\n

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I\u2019ll change.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you\u201d means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won\u2019t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you\u201d means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.<\/p>\n

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed\u2026) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don\u2019t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.<\/p>\n

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what\u2019s wrong with you (instead of realizing that \u2026 you cannot make someone \u201chappy\u201d who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others \u2026 and you!<\/em>).<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you\u201d means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you\u2019re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.)<\/p>\n

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won\u2019t happen, as long as I\u2019m in control. Why would I let it, when I\u2019m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you\u2019d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, \u201cI\u2019m no fool.\u201d<\/p>\n

I love that I can control your attempts to get \u201cthrough\u201d to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any \u201cdiscussion\u201d onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough \u2014 and of course, reminding you of all I\u2019ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.<\/p>\n

I love how I skillfully manipulate others\u2019 opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the \u201cgood\u201d guy, and side against you as the \u201cbad\u201d guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.<\/p>\n

I love how easy it is for me to say \u201cNo!\u201d to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.<\/p>\n

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.<\/p>\n

I love being a drug of choice you \u201chave to\u201d have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.<\/p>\n

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.<\/p>\n

I love that I can make you feel I\u2019m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.<\/p>\n

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.<\/p>\n

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain \u2014 so that I am ever the winner in this competition \u2014 ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.<\/p>\n

In short, when I say \u201cI love you,\u201d I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you\u2019ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows \u201cthe rules.\u201d My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.<\/p>\n

Thanks, but no thanks, I\u2019m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating \u2026 and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn\u2019t hampered.<\/p>\n

Forever love-limiting,<\/p>\n

Your narcissist<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Possibilities for Consideration<\/h2>\n

PS: I really, really need help \u2014 but you CANNOT do this work for me (not without making things worse for both of us!). Remember, we\u2019re co-addicted to each other, so we\u2019d never go to an addict to get help, right?<\/em><\/p>\n

Only a therapist, with experience in this, stands a chance, and even then, only if I choose to really, really, really let him\/her! (That\u2019s because I\u2019d have to face my greatest fear that, not only am I not superior to everyone and thus not entitled to make and break rules as I please, but I\u2019d also have to own \u2014 that my own actions, thoughts and beliefs about myself and others \u2014 are THE main cause of the suffering in my life \u2026 and changing them, THE solution. I could not would not ever want to do this for the sole reason that, from my worldview, only the feeble-minded and weak do such things!)<\/em><\/p>\n

Source:
\nStaik, A. (2016). What It Means When a Narcissist Says \u201cI Love You\u201d. Psych Central<\/em>. Retrieved on December 29, 2016, from \/\/blogs.psychcentral.com\/relationships\/2016\/03\/what-it-means-when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you\/<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Take a moment and examine\u2026<\/h3>\n