Don’t Be Fooled By Me

DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.

I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game; that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. Beneath this lies no complaisance. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it. That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself: that I'm worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare... I'm afraid to...

I'm afraid your glance would not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh at me, and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I am nothing, that I am no good, and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.

And so begins my parade of masks. And my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what's everything. I don't tell you of what is crying within me; so if I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the phony game. I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me. But you've got to help me.   

You have got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of living death. Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you are kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose to.   

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. Do not pass me by.

Please... do not pass me by.   

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for, but I am told that love is stronger than walls, and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

The reality of this declaration is both true and
harsh.
The answer starts by considering a concept known as
friendship.

FRIENDSHIP

Often, when feelings seem to overwhelm us and the world seems to be totally against us, what we really need is a FRIEND. Somebody who will just LISTEN.

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me advice, YOU HAVE NOT DONE WHAT I ASKED.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, YOU ARE TRAMPLING ON MY FEELINGS.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, YOU HAVE FAILED ME.

All that I ask is that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me.

ADVICE IS CHEAP.

I am not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. I can do for myself. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. But when you accept, as a simple fact, that I just feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you, and can get about the business of understanding what is behind the feeling... and when that is clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Feelings that seem irrational make sense when we understand what is behind them. That's why prayer works sometimes, for some people---because a Higher Power doesn't give advice or try to fix things. He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself. So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk wait for your turn and I will listen to you.