Opening Insights
Living with the Enemy – Living with Alcoholism
A year ago, I dealt with a serious situation in which I was stalked by neighbor in my community. It was horrible and terrifying.
Informational Insights
The stalker had been a family friend for years. He presented himself as the world’s greatest guy. My family often invited him to our home to share in dinners, conversations, movies, laughter and life. He and my parents often did major projects together on our home. He knew what my I valued in life, and he also knew my vulnerabilities and challenges.
Over time this person would slowly and strategically play with my head – he would plant seeds of self-doubt, push/test my physical and emotional boundaries, get angry when he couldn’t control, disappearing for weeks. He would then return with small gifts and kind gestures. He would appear to be that gregarious funny person once again.
His games increased and so did my awareness of his behaviors. He crafted an opportunity to get me alone and made advances. My interest in just being friends was not well received. His rage and delusion exploded and exponentially grew from there. For months he sent disturbing letters and audio recordings. He knew my nightly schedule and would wait for me to come home… follow me, run after me and corner me. For months I needed to be escorted to and from my home by security guards. I was petrified to go anywhere alone.
I learned from professionals, including security and police, what Grooming and Predatory Behavior looks like:
A groomer/predator is someone who stalks another person in different ways in order to gain something.
A groomer/predator sets their sights on someone (“hunts”) and has an agenda.
A groomer/predator looks for vulnerabilities in this person and takes advantage of them.
A groomer/predator plans, pre-mediates and strategizes ahead of time; their actions are intentional
A groomer/predator plays a game:
1. Appears trustworthy
2. Inflicts pain (emotional, physical, etc) with no remorse
3. Becomes the solution (remove pain with attention and affection)
A groomer/predator plays the game above consciously. They are fully aware of what they are doing. They are deliberate, cunning and calculating.
The motives of a groomer/predator generally focus around issues of being hurt and wanting to get even (there is a spiteful need to hurt someone else). They live in a cycle of pain-pleasure AND hurt-guilt. (Reference: Journey Part 1, Chapter 2)
For example, they will take a person whose vulnerabilities they know (and or sense) and manipulate that person to get what they want. The more one opens up to a groomer the more ammunition they have to seduce, corner and achieve their goal. There are accounts of people who were sexually abused, molested or raped being groomed- knowingly seduce under the guise of it being “consensual” without concern for the ways they manipulate and the wounds that they open.
Groomers/predators will develop relationships and suddenly disappear with no explanation, leaving others confused and questioning themselves (what did I do wrong?). They then return and expect others to be grateful they are back in their life again. Predators leave a trail of self-doubt, broken hearts, sadness and desperation. Groomers/Predators leave a trail of self-doubt, broken hearts, sadness and desperation.
In talking with security and police on numerous occasions, along with researching various statistical resources, Grooming/Predatory behavior can be categorized by many things, including:
Refusal to take responsibility for actions and blames others or circumstances for failures
- A sense of entitlement
- Low self-esteem
- Need for power and control
- Lack of empathy
- Inability to form intimate relationships with adults
- Troubled childhood
- Deviant sexual behavior and attitudes
Groomers/Predators are often:
- Good manipulators (seduction is an integral part)
- Overly self-indulgent
- Arrogant and Narcissistic
- Sexualize, objectify women
- Typically known as rationalizers, intellectualizers, justifiers
- Great helpers — are there to lend a helping hand — prey on people in need, when they can insinuate themselves in your life
- Use stressful and vulnerable situations to get in — they find a need they can fill and they use that to get next to the victim
While still mending from this horrific stalking experience, I became involved in a recovery retreat for a young man named Johnny. I had known Johnny for a few years when he was in recovery, and I was part of a support system in helping him recover from alcoholism and move towards emotional sobriety.
During Johnny’s retreat, I was assigned to be his “Recovery Buddy.” We worked together in many facets: from doing recovery-based courseware to doing the dishes after meals. Although I was a part of staff, I was also a person to go through the program with him, so he was not alone. A person who would be there as the program unfolded. He referred to me as his big sister.
I became aware of a pattern with Johnny… he would say and do things to appear trustworthy: kind, friendly, fun with good intentions. Then (almost instantly) he would make a vicious comment or express a nasty behavior. He consciously did this. He knew he was hurtful. He would mostly inflict pain when others weren’t around, and would show his friendly, playful side when others were around. Afterward he succeeded in being hurtful (hours later or the next day) he would return to the appearance of kindness. Clearly this was the side most people would prefer. It’s also the side that creates blinders to reality.
On several occasions, as part of retreat discussions and conversation, I shared elements of my stalking experience. I also expressed my sensitivity and vulnerability around certain topics and situations.
One night I was doing my nighty writings. Johnny was watching TV shows on his laptop (as usual). It was an extremely emotional writing session for me. The tears rolled down my face and I quietly sobbed. A lot was coming up: memories, hurt, fears. Johnny saw I was crying. He saw I was upset and very emotional. Shortly after he asked if I wanted to watch a TV show with him (1. trusting, kind). I said no. He said something nasty and cruel to me (2. inflict pain with no remorse). I got changed for bed and couldn’t understand why he had to be so nasty, especially that night… a night where I was clearly sensitive, vulnerable and emotional. I went back and asked him. Why? You don’t have to care, but why are so nasty? We sat on the couch and talked. I shared a bit of why my writing brought tears, the stalking, etc. He was now being nice. He listened. Just as my parents would hug Johnny each night before bed, we too gave each other a sibling hug goodnight. However, this time he kissed me (3. remove the pain he just inflicted with attention and affection).
I had no emotional reasoning to resist the kiss. Because of what I’ve been recovering from over the years and my own past experiences, I’ve chosen to abstain from intimate, sexual touch and physical affection for the past 12 years. Learning to build real trust and not trust emotional reactions.
It’s my journey, and it’s been my personal commitment to myself to build friendships before romance. This is extremely important to me. Johnny knew this, many times over. He knew what I valued in life. He knew what I was about.
We were doing courseware as part of the retreat, which opened up old wounds to allow me to resolve them at a deeper level. That night my emotions were running high and my logic was low. My vulnerability was clear. To be nurtured in that moment was more than I could resist. We kissed.
When I was being hesitant with the kiss – he then nastily said: “Is this a 1-way street, or what?” This comment triggered much guilt in me… of not being good enough… hurt and shame rose up in me.
I had been very clear about my boundaries with Johhny – but he wanted what HE wanted and not what care what I wanted…or needed. It’s as if he just wanted me to want him….
It was not about the kiss, but he had crossed major boundaries that HE WAS AWARE OF that had to do with my recovery from a stalking predator. JOHNNY MAKING THIS MOVE TOWARDS ME AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE, WOULD HAVE BEEN EQUIVALENT TO ME OFFERING HIM A DRINK…. and telling him how good the drink was.
The next day I was extremely upset about the whole thing. I didn’t have the emotionally ability that night to protect myself and hold my boundaries (and in the safety of my home I didn’t anticipate having to). I told him I was concerned about what happened and he said: “Sorry but if you are concerned that’s on you—that’s your problem, not mine. I feel fine about it.” He had no remorse.
Johnny’s actions were clearly deliberate. I say this because Johnny said something that was an “aha” moment:
A week or so prior we had all cooked a turkey for dinner, which left a wish bone. The retreat hostess gave me the wishbone and suggested I share it with our guest Johnny, just for fun. Johnny and I made our wishes and pulled it apart. He had the larger piece. My wish that night was easy – I wished that Johnny could discover emotional sobriety and recover his life back (as I wish this for ANYONE SEEKING RECOVERY). After the incident between Johnny and myself that one evening, he said to me: “Well, my wish came true.” I looked at him funny because I had no idea what he was saying. He shared that the wish he made on the wish bone came true the night he kissed me….. WHICH CLEARLY TELLS ME that for several weeks he had “wished” this (for whatever his reasoning/agenda) and strategically made plans to make that happen. This was validated by the comment he made referencing Matt McGann. Matt was a man in a recovery group with Johnny, which I was a support person for. His comment was: “man, I would love to call Matt McGann and rub it in his face.” It became crystal clear that I was not the “big sister” he claimed I was to him, but rather a trophy, a conquest, a notch on his belt.
Groomers and Predators plot and plan. They take advantage of an opportunity and vulnerability. It’s not WHAT they do…. it’s WHY they do it.
If Johnny behaved this way towards me, who else has been done this to? Whose vulnerabilities has he taken advantage of? Whose wounds has he opened then closed, opened then closed…. without remorse?
What I have learned is that people with addictions behave in predictable ways: lying, selfishness manipulation and illusionary thinking. These behaviors progress and expand into: extreme narcissism, grooming/predatory/stalking behaviors, and borderline personality disorder.
I recall on several occasions that Rudy, Johnny’s retreat leader, lead community discussions and offered classes and resources that brought light on these behaviors. There was much insight on how DAMAGING these behaviors are to relationships.
Not only did I see how Johnny expressed these behaviors with me, but I also thought about his other relationships and the impact on them. In particular, I watched Johnny struggle to write a letter to a special lady in his life (an assignment provided during the recovery retreat). Each time he attempted to write the letter, he just skimmed the surface—he could not be completely honest about the severity of his alcoholism, nor the awareness of his behaviors/actions and impact on others. He was eager to send his letter and reconnect with this lady, but the letter was not based on truth – so much of the truth (both past and present) was omitted. Rudy, the retreat leader, was suggesting that Johnny be completely honest and forthcoming with this lady, and that anything less would be a lie, cruel and manipulative (it would create a false reality for her). This lady also has two young sons, who would be directly and indirectly affected by Johnny’s behaviors. What kind of behaviors would be instilled and engrained?
More so, Rudy the retreat leader recommended this letter being the foundation so this lady knew the FACTS, and also suggested INVITING THIS LADY TO JOIN THE SUPPORT TEAM THAT WAS WORKING WITH JOHNNY. On many occasions Rudy emphasized the importance of inviting this lady, and sending a letter so she was respected and told the truth. BUT….Johnny simply COULD NOT be honest.
- Why couldn’t Johnny be honest?
- Why wouldn’t he want to invite this lady he cared for into his support group?
- Was it because he didn’t want her to know who he really was and his real agendas
- Was it because he wanted to keep her as his “back-up/ ace in the hole” because she didn’t know the truth?
- Did he not want her learning about addictive behaviors such as grooming and the victim-rescuer-persecutor game?
- Did he not want to her to learn the antidote?
- Did he not want her to gain insight and help for her own life, and her children’s lives?
Grooming and predatory behaviors are common personality traits amongst addicts… like addiction, our actions affect and infect everyone around us. Games of grooming become norms of relating. And, everywhere you go there you are.
Alcoholism is a family disease. If all members are not in recovery, recovery will never happen.
Johnny, please read these books again. You identified with them once, perhaps you need to revisit them again. Don’t miss a second opportunity to get better – to get YOUR life back.
Possibilities for Consideration
Take a moment and examine…
- As you reviewed the material above, what stood out to you?
- What is the potential impact, economically and/or socially?
- What action is needed to stop or support this idea?
- You may want to consider whether you:
- want to be aware of,
- should become supportive of,
- would want to be active in this topic?
Add Your Insight
I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Being willing is not enough; we must do.
LEONARDO DA VINCI